So as some of you may have read in my pervious blogs, panic attacks used to be an everyday thing for me (literally) but once my non-epileptic seizures began, these seemed to tail off. For the first time in I would say maybe even a couple of years, last week I experienced an episode of pure panic once again. In and out of panic attacks, and such extreme anxiousness. I had forgotten to a certain extent just how bad this felt.
So, let me first explain what happened… I had gone to a hospital appointment by myself – this is something in the past I never thought I would be able to do. I drove there. I am quite a nervous driver as it is and this day, I was extra nervy as it was very busy and there were multiple sirens and flashing lights to move out the way for. Next was the actual appointment. This was a monthly session I have with an occupational therapist which is supposed to help me learn how to cope and manage my chronic fatigue syndrome. Every appointment like this I find hard. Talking about myself and how I need to live my life to stay being able to actually have some kind of a life. It’s not the life I pictured for myself and I really have a hard time accepting that it’s just the way it is now. Anyway…that’s another story.
After the session, I go to pay for my car parking ticket. A simple thing you might think. Well it would be if the machine accepted my card (there was more than enough money in my account so there was no reason it wouldn’t). Well, it didn’t. Not only that but the machine also didn’t take cash.
And that’s when I felt it coming.
This was the final straw for me that day and all I felt was sheer terror. All my mind was saying to me was “get to a safe place now…now…NOW”. So, I walked as quickly as I could to my car got in and locked all the doors. It’s not like I wasn’t safe before but your mind is not in a state to be rational. I remember once in my car, I saw a lady sat in the car next to me on her phone. Oh no. More panic. A person? No. They can’t see me cry. What if they see me? They might think I’m crazy or WORSE… she might actually try and help. There’s no logic, right? It’s like everyone is suddenly an enemy. I just wanted the world to swallow me up there and then. I turn my head away from the lady so she can’t see me crying and hyperventilating.
Then I remember another issue. Am I going to have a seizure? I most definitely can’t have one of those. Again, my thought’s spiral running round and round all out of proportion. I imagine her seeing me, breaking into my car to get to me as I locked the doors previously. I picture her pulling me out the car, getting more people possibly even taking me into the hospital. This just can’t happen. This would be terrible.
None of this is actually happening of course, I’m not even having a seizure. The thing is that I COULD.
In this moment I felt so alone. I felt like there was no way this was going to end and I was going to stay here distraught forever. The breathlessness makes things go a little hazy and blurry and it just feels awful. So awful. So scared and for what? Absolutely no reason. I can see that now anyway. I rang my mum and I’m so lucky that she was around. She drove to me and talked to me on the phone the whole way. I eventually got out my car and walked to hers. This was not easy as I was still crying and panicking and could feel a thousand eyes on me even though actually no was looking at me at all. I was quite hysterical and pulled my jacket up around my face with my head down just trying to shield myself from everything. I think I closed my eyes at some points too.
I finally began to calm down once in the presence of my mum. She knows exactly what to do when I’m in a state like that. Clearly, she hadn’t forgotten how these episodes go even if it felt like it was the first time it had happened to me. She’s amazing.
It felt so traumatic. I know to some reading this is may seem extremely silly and dramatic but it was very real for me. Not only in the moment was it so horrible but it’s really knocked me up. I never really thought this kind of thing would happen anymore, although I am still always going to be an anxious person, I do so much more independently now. Things I could have never seen myself being able to do a couple years ago. But now, it’s reminded me what could happen if I go out alone or I get stressed in public etc… It’s so scary. It makes me question my every move. It makes me not want to go out. I’m back to taking people to appointments with me. All the what if’s build and build and when before I could shake them; I now can’t. I could calm myself to not believe them however, since last week this has become harder… I just feel stressed and scared. The feelings and thoughts creep up when you least expect and they are so hard to explain to people.
I’m not too sure what really was my aim for writing this but I guess I felt I had to get it off my chest. Also, for anyone else who get’s like this. I guess I’m proof you aren’t alone.
If you have read this then thank you and I am always here for anyone who needs to talk.
Chloe x
Chloe's Health: NEAD and Chronic fatigue 